I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
