They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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