I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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