My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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