I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
