She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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