and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
