I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
