I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
