hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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