Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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