last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
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I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
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i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he fucked my hip out of place.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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