she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
