So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
