Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
