Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
