You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
