my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
tell me about the eggs
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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