Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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