im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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