ya dads aren't the best wingmen
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
We got so high we made milksteak
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
