i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!