I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
