his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
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you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
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