you would pick up someone in the library
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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