so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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