I wish I could teleport
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
