The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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