Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
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I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
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Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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