So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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