Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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