It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
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Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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