Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
