I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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