Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
