Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.