let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?