HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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