remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
