You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
