Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
