Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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