Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
