Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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