when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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