I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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