You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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