I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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