my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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