gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
