He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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