Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
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I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
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I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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