Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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