i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
we're so committed to being not committed
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
