i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
