i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
