my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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