when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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